Published October 3, 2009
Second part, more intrigue and opening plot movements to set the stage. Enjoy.
Minor note, I know the flow of the meeting has to be touched up already, but again this is a draft or outline.
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A rare ancient in Bergamo and surely the only one that was a Groundskeeper, Estoc was referred to as Grandfather by even the most powerful of men. A wry smile perpetually wrought his cheeks into a wrinkled grin, and his long bulbous nose accented it well. His blue Germanic eyes still held that glimmer of youth even into his nineties. A short and refined blonde wig graced the top of Estoc's bald head, always combed into place so neat and proper, he appeared as a proper manservant should.
His now gray tuxedo and tie unabashedly displayed a since of reservation and experience which came with his years. The endless rain of ash destroyed his black suit, staining the cotton as any other dye would. A single gold emblem of a machine wheel hung over his heart, a medal awarded by nobility from his past life.
“Deliberators come forward,” his raspy voice filled the air with a powerful roar of authority, “Entrust your master's wills to one another and conduct your business expediently.”
The doors of the cars opened at Estoc's cue and two young men bearing briefcases stepped out of the steam cars. On one side was Ironbiter's representative, Leverstack. The other was a questionable man by the supposed name, Steel, Bergamo's equivalent of an anonymous. The two exchanged half-bows to Estoc before they approached and Estoc produced the hallowed rapier essential to conducting business.
His blade pierced the air in a ritual of cutting tension between the parties, allowing the deliberators to meet on even terms. The two men met by his rapier, representatives of the two Slumlords exchanged a firm handshake and a greeting of “Health.” to the other.
“Deliberators,” Estoc began, “In accordance of this meeting, please exchange your master's wills.”
Leverstack presented his briefcase first to Steel, passing it under the rapier, in accordance to procedure and Steel presented his briefcase to Leverstack in return. With a final half-bow to one another, the two returned to their steam cars as Estoc sheathed the rapier, “Business is complete, we will reconvene in one week's time. Glorious day to all!”
A great cacophony filled the air as two massive bridges extended from the plate, opening the roads for the representatives convoy to exit the mansion. The vehicles boiler's roared as the coal fired engines begun to spin once again, clouds of white steam billowed into the air once again as they returned home. Bullet who was witness to the exchange had not yet finished crossing the long walkway, but seen enough to hope Slumlord Ironbiter would receive good news this day.
“What is the matter, young Bullet,” Estoc asked knowing by the sluggish movements of his body that something was wrong.
Snorting before answering, Bullet's breathe broke through the veil like smoke, “Unwelcome guests. Steamlord Pisani's shining brats-”
“Slumlord Ironbiter is no longer here,” Estoc interrupted as he put his gloved hand on Bullet's shoulder, “They will not find him so easily. With Blades disappearance, they are concerned about security and nothing more.”
Bullet took a step back, concerns for his master overwhelmed him. The three Groundskeepers were all he had, and was allowed by the nobility. To guard an empty manor was indeed a clever ruse, but to not mention it was infuriating.
“When did he go and where is he now?,” Bullet's voice deepened in rage, “My brother risks his life for a vein effort!”
Estoc turned his back on the young man and dismissed him with a casual wave of the hand, “Your boorish nature compensates for your lack of intelligence, but I will tell you this. He is untouchable now.”
As Estoc entered the manor and closed the door behind him without so much as a second glance. It was then that Bullet was struck with a sense of horror that came from pure instinct, Slumlord Ironbiter was dead! Rage and sadness tore into his gut, consuming him in dread. Unconsciously, his hand gripped the trigger and a single shot rang out from underneath him, a fragment of steel exploded at his feet. A shower of spark and mist enveloped him as he fell to his knees and began to weep.
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hey Ace, Stella again!
I. NITPICKS
I thought this was in a made-up world, so you can't describe them as Germanic. If not, ignore me.
This isn't a speech tag, so it should be full stops.
No comma after name.
“What is the matter, young Bullet?” Estoc asked, knowing by the sluggish movements of his body that something was wrong.
breath.
Blade's, surely?
vain.
Okay...
II. CONTINUITY
This is a bit all over the place. It doesn't follow on from your first piece entirely- you lose the point of view at some point, then suddenly we're following an entirely different conversation. Be careful to make your transitions clear and easy to see, or else let them flow a little more smoothly. At the moment, you're jumping and it's not making a whole lot of sense.
III. DEATH
Ah, death. One of the things I like in a story is to be able to feel a character's emotions and clearly this important when somebody they know dies. Why is Bullet so upset? Show us what Ironbiter meant to him, if anything, and why is he sad? We can't share his pain unless we know how it has come about. It's important to let us into your characters' heads. What memories does he have of his master? Are they good ones? Bad ones? You might know, but we don't. Help us to get into Bullet's mindset.
IV. OVERALL
You're jumping quite a lot, and it's causing a lot of confusion, on my part in any case. Try and make it clearer, the same problem as the last part. Other than that, there's no problems with your actual writing- in fact, it's really good! It's just that maybe you're expecting us to know the story as well as you do- and even if you don't, that's the impression I'm getting.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello, I'm blackpencil and I'll review this piece today.
I liked the story, to start, especially the names. They're very creative, and sound like mysterious aliases or codenames. I like the titles some character's have, too, like the Groundbreakers or Slumlord. Very creative.
I only have one problem. It's too short. I know short stories get all the reviews on YWS, but a short story is just to quick and uninteresting, and the same goes with a long story: if it's too long, you have people skipping paragraphs in order to get to the end, which isn't good.
Also, just one grammer nitpick:
Vein should be vain.
Kepp writing!